Nope, I am not channeling Britney here, more so apologizing (to myself maybe?) for allowing yet another long lapse in writing happen. The holidays were great: hectic, organized chaos that reoccurs annually and stresses us all out just enough to complain but not enough to change our plans each year - yet anyway.
Aside from holiday cookie baking(the most things I have actually cooked/baked/made and not just reheated or fumbled through in weeks), present wrapping, on the road again silliness and all of the accoutrement that are associated with the holidays- this year I had a small "and possibly insignificant to the outside world, but means something to me so I'll tell you all about it" epiphany of sorts. We went, on Christmas Eve, to the Pageant at our Church in Chestnut Hill as we do every year. I will spare you the re-occurring story that my mother proudly reminds us all of every year of when I was angel Gabriel (a situation she remains far more excited about than I but none the less a landmark role as it was actually my ONLY role in a public production) and jump right to the moments that the earth shattered, the sun rose and the wind blew. It was nothing pious, nor festively spirited, (or maybe it was – you be the judge) this was a realization typical of no doubt more than an average number of pregnant women at some point along the way.
The pageant includes the little baby Jesus, the manger, the raucous townspeople (who every year crack us all up and who we all wanted to be growing up because we thought they clearly had had some holiday cheer before coming to the party and they were, well, adults). Each year I shuffle and scramble to get the seat at the very end of the pew, the one on the aisle(yes, I KNOW I am 35 - thanks). “ I like to see everything” I will flatly use as my annual excuse – lie –a bold faced lie - told in CHURCH none the less – so maybe counts as double or triple? Regardless…it's not the real reason- you can’t really SEE from that seat. You actually can’t see SQUAT from that seat actually save for the articulately sculpted pew cap (in order to see anything you actually have to be in the middle or so of the pew… note to self)..
Anyway, the pageant I long to see every year, that oddly I never actually realized until now, was the one portrayed by the countless children who also struggle to get THE seat on the aisle – the little people dressed to the nines in their holiday finery who actually DO want to see the Christmas story unfold before them. Its not just because they are adorable, their little smocked dresses and Christmas short pants make me melt, or the bows in their hair slightly askew because lets face it, they never really did stay put, I don’t care how great the barrette was – all of these are legitimate reasons on their own, and true. But this year that I realized that it is their faces I long to see. The glimmer in their eyes, the wonderment and awe that is seeing, at ground level, something so utterly intriguing unfolding before them, you see Christmas in their eyes. And not just presents or Santa, but the very true to story Grinch-like Christmas spirit that really only whole-heartedly lives inside children who believe. It is like almost like actually BEING Alice in the wonderland. So much so that it made me tear up and shake my head in amazement.
The Christmas Spirit was oddly not the earth shattering part. The truly moving element to the whole process was the thought process that followed- that oh my GOD in heaven… I have one of “those” growing inside me… one of “those” adorable little "I believe in Santa" things that I long to absorb into my arms and cuddle with and teach fun life-changing lessons, bake cookies with, make forts with and watch grow up to be a real live actual person is inside ME! Holy Cr*p! Yes, so the true Christmas epiphany was that (and this may be a shock to you all at this point I am sure) I am pregnant! Oh wow…
I know right? As I said- Earth Shattering! Finally at 14weeks (at the time), I figured it out. This whole “no vices” thing clicked- it became real like the velveteen rabbit becomes real… I mean holy mackerel,mother of it all, we are gonna be parents.
This was only seconded, triplified and quadruple whammied when we got down to Florida (THANK YOU LISA & JOHN!)… Traveling for what may be the last time ALONE… seeing parents traveling with babies, small children, grown children.. uh oh.. we are becoming some of ‘those people’ – the ones with the snot-nosed kids who you don’t want to sit next to on the plane. The ones with the screaming banshees that run around like headless chickens while their parents comedicly (not actually a word, I know) carry on their conversation with their friends only to stop for a bleeding limb much to the chagrin of childless bystanders. But it is not just the “yikes” moments that make the ground rumble. It is also the moments which we/ I have longed to one day have of our own. Little smiles. Little looks of wonder, confusion, understanding that come from that little sprout that comes maybe only to your knee. All of these things are within our scope - soon to happen, not someday in the future and god willing but, some actual day soon! I mean - countable days!!!!! And all I can think of right now is not the long and winding road we will have to travel to get there. Not of the madness, and sleepless nights that are going to plague us and assume control of our once semi- structured-managably- flexible-yet-organized life and will no doubt never actually end. Nor of the ‘life as we used to know it’ routine which has and will no doubt hit us over and over again as we get closer to "D" Day….all I can think right now is… how cool.
